Many people I have cared for are no longer a large part of my life. Some are not part of it at all. I missed out on many experiences that many people take for granted. So many days were spent under a nearly unbearable weight.

The mind was always at war with itself. The fog of mystery surrounding the root cause obscured my ability to navigate life as I desired.

I used to disdain Valentine’s Day and many other events that be cause for celebration. Especially my birthday. I didn’t even want to hear about it.

I did not believe I deserved any accolades or celebrations. I was sheathed in a fractured shell. I did not believe I was worthy of love or care. Life was often one moment of shame followed by another. I clawed at anything to keep myself above water. Yet, I never reached beyond the minimal point it needed to breathe. Never beyond the point at which I truly flourish and have the chance to be whole.

After more than four decades, I found out that I not only had autism, but ADHD as well. By then, it had looked like I was doing okay to others. They would not have known that each day demanded the utmost energy just to stay afloat. The two conditions were bitter rivals, vying for control. Their goals were always at odds.

These conditions show themselves in complex manners, which often confuse professionals, leading to misdiagnosis and inappropriate medications. I lost another decade via zombification by meds that only made matters worse. We neurodivergents are extra sensitive to a bevy of things!

Autism demands structure and routine. ADHD, when untreated, can result in extreme chaos. The result is a tug-of-war that can leave an AuDHD person consistently drained of energy. It’s like trying to solve an impossible puzzle unless you know that you have both.

ADHD and autism often coexist at a high rate. I’m thankful for those who administered the testing for me. They knew to test for both. Otherwise, the puzzle would still lack an essential piece.

I felt endless despair, shame, regret, and failures. Yet, something wouldn’t allow me to just let go of the thread of life. Some persistence deep within, fueled by the desire to obtain answers.

Sometimes, there’s still grief about the love I lost or missed out on. However, there is also a gratitude that I finally have a chance to fully embrace this journey. I am fortunate in many ways, no matter the cost of getting here.

The disparate pieces of me coalesce and tether each day. A picture is slowly painted. It doesn’t crumble or break apart. It simply grows and becomes more radiant. I smile because what I see looking back at me is real and solid. That person deserves whatever life brings, as much as anyone else. And so do you.